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Every man has a breaking point, and I’d just reached mine. It occurred on a recent Saturday evening just after 7 p.m. at the Outback Steakhouse in Grapevine, Tex. I was enjoying my usual Outback Special, medium well, and chatting with my wife when a television somewhere in the distance echoed the noxious sound: Sleep Experts.
Sleep Experts — as in, that stupid commercial that’s on every TV station and every radio station every five seconds. As in “I’m Christine Cook, president of Sleep Experts.” As in, the mattress store chain that seems to have a perpetual sale and that will always give you a “free box.” As in “I’m Christine Cook, and I’m going to invade your earspace every waking moment until you finally give in and buy a freaking mattress from me.” That Sleep Experts.
Judging by my wife’s non-reaction to my threat of violence toward a woman, the feeling must have been mutual. She just nodded and kept talking about her friend Kelli’s bad experience with a spoiled piece of chocolate. She also knew — based on her firsthand knowledge that I’m a skinny little wimp with big sarcastic mouth — that I probably wouldn’t follow through with my threat even if the opportunity ever actually presented itself.
But who wouldn’t want to take a swing at Christine? Her chain of 26 Dallas-Fort Worth-area mattress stores have only been open for five years, but she’s already crammed 30 years of advertising and branding into that short time frame. And even as an experienced marketing professional, Christine’s cheery voice and that annoying little jingle at the end of each commercial really grates on my nerves.
Etched into My Brain
Of course, the marketing professional part of me is also fascinated by Christine’s ability to make me want to hit a girl by simply etching her mug and slogan into my brain. I’m not exactly sure when my relationship with Christine started; I must admit I never became consciously aware of Sleep Experts until September last year. That’s when my schedule changed radically and I became a “morning guy.”
